


Crossing and Uncrossing Lines

by audreyii_fic



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Christmas, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Holidays, Loss of Virginity, Romantic Comedy, Thanksgiving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-02
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 13:55:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/419651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audreyii_fic/pseuds/audreyii_fic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella and Jacob try to navigate the holiday season - and their own hormones. (Standard New Moon AU: Cullens never come back. Grown from a drabble prompt into a full story.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

_**Crossing and Uncrossing Lines** _

 

 

 

There were a lot of reasons that Jacob Black was not my boyfriend.  
  
  
First of all: I was nineteen and he was still sixteen (for the next few weeks, at least). That's illegal pretty much everywhere.  
  
  
Second: Our relationship had started when I was in a really bad place, which sort of set the tone. We couldn't be more than friends then -- that would have ended in disaster -- so by the time I could maybe have handled something _more_ the boundaries were already in place.  
  
  
Third (and most important): I needed him too much to gamble on something that might not work. If we tried dating and it ended in disaster... I couldn't imagine life without Jacob as my best friend. I couldn't even think of it without tears pricking at my eyes. Maybe I wasn't such as mess anymore, but I still didn't want to rock the boat. I had no intention of risking the little bit of stability I'd finally managed to find.  
  
  
The problem was, of course, that Jacob didn't feel the same way. Things had eased off after the Victoria situation had been handled (he'd mostly returned to his old laidback self once my life was no longer in danger), but he still wanted more than I did. He never said anything out loud. Most of the time he was the perfect best friend who got me to laugh when I was in a funk and took myself too seriously, or who made me feel useful and worthwhile when he'd need me for comfort after a terrible night of patrolling. But every now and then, just when I'd start to think that we were finally safe from complications, Jacob would... test the boundaries.  
  
  
We'd be on the couch and he'd rest a hand on my thigh; we'd be at the beach and he'd tuck my hair behind my ears. These were things he did all the time, but it would be different in those moments. His touch would linger and he'd watch my reaction very, very closely, holding his breath. I made sure never to give him one, to pretend like I didn't know what he was doing (even though I knew he knew I knew), and the moment would end as quickly as it began. Until the next time he checked to see if anything had changed.  
  
  
If I'd been a better person -- more assertive, less selfish, lots of other things maybe -- I'd have scaled back my friendship with Jacob long ago. I'd have put firmer limits on what we were allowed to be to each other as soon as I'd known about his unreciprocated attraction to me. I would have stopped the daily phone calls and the late night talks and the near constant physical contact. But I _wasn't_ a better person, and I _didn't_ do those things. I tried to justify it by telling myself that I'd always been clear with Jake about how I felt, and if he wanted to stay it wasn't my place to make those choices for him; that was crap, of course. I knew I wasn't doing enough to stop my best friend from pining for me, but I didn't want things to be any different, so I just feigned ignorance during those "testing the boundaries" moments and hoped that sooner or later someone else would catch his eye.  
  
  
It was terrible. _I_ was terrible. But the few times I'd even come close to apologizing Jacob had just laughed, said it was _his_ problem, and found a way to get me to relax and focus on something else. Then things would go back to normal.  
  
  
Until they didn't.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Most of the families on the reservation didn't celebrate Thanksgiving on principle. That being said my father and Billy were religious about the football games that fell on the fourth Thursday of November, and if there happened to be a lot of food at the same time they certainly didn't object. I made a ham dinner and four pies (pumpkin, apple, cherry, pecan) and figured that was good enough. I took a shower to get the sticky kitchen grime off of my body, and as I was putting on my underwear I heard a knock on my bedroom door. "Yeah?"  
  
  
"Bells?" Charlie's voice. "I've got your mom on the phone. She wants to talk to you."  
  
  
"Oh." I wrapped the towel back around my body and cracked the door open; my father passed me the cordless phone, keeping his eyes averted. We'd been living in the same house (with one bathroom) for eighteen months and he still blushed red whenever I was in a towel. "Thanks. Hey, Mom."  
  
 _  
"Happy Thanksgiving, baby!"_ Renee sounded bubbly this morning -- well, afternoon in Jacksonville.  
  
  
"Happy Thanksgiving," I replied, holding the phone in place with my shoulder as I looked for clothes. "How are you?"  
  
 _  
"I'm wonderful. Phil's great, too. He might get traded to the Red Sox, can you believe it?"_  
  
  
"Really?" I was impressed in spite of myself. The Red Sox were one of the few teams I'd actually heard of. "He'd be playing for them?"  
  
 _  
"No, but he'd be in their system, so he might get called up next September if Dustin Pedroia gets injured. Isn't that exciting?"_  
  
  
"Oh. Uh, yeah."  
  
 _  
"Never mind about all that though, Bella. I miss you. I wish you were here."_  
  
  
"Yeah," I lied. "Me too." The truth was that the last few visits between my mother and I hadn't gone particularly well. Renee was of the belief that my hesitancy and somberness (still solidly in place even a year after _his_ departure) could be fixed with shopping therapy and pedicures and episodes of The View. She still wanted me to be both her mother and 'one of the girls', but I wasn't up to that anymore. So I'd declined Renee's invitation to come back for Thanksgiving or Christmas; there never seemed to be any talk of _her_ coming to see _me_.  
  
 _  
"Did you get the package I sent you?"_  
  
  
I glanced at the box still sitting on my dresser. It had 'Macy's' printed on the side. "Yeah. Thanks, it's all really nice."  
  
 _  
"...you don't like it."_  
  
  
"No, I do, really. It's just... well, I'm not used to wearing that kind of stuff, you know that."  
  
 _  
"I know, baby, but you're all grown up. You're a woman now."_ If she started singing 'Sunrise, Sunset' I was going to hang up the phone. _"If you look like one, you'll feel more like one, just wait and see. Did the dress fit?"_  
  
  
I pulled out the knee-length, long-sleeved sweater dress. It would probably fit around the waist, but it also had a scoop neck that dove down to reveal... nothing. "It's great, Mom, but I don't really have the right shape."  
  
 _  
"That's the great thing about sweaters, they make it **seem** like you've got a big chest. I bet you look gorgeous in it. I saw the color and knew it was perfect for you."_  
  
  
"You saw 'brown' and knew it was perfect?"  
  
 _  
"It's not brown, Bella, it's milk chocolate. And it matches your coloring. You should wear it today."_  
  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Mom, there's nothing to wear a dress _for_ today. Dad and Billy and Jake and I are just going to sit in the living room and watch--"  
  
 _  
"Oh, Jake's going to be there, is he?"_ My mother's voice turned sly, and I mentally kicked myself for mentioning Jacob's name. She hadn't failed to notice that he and I talked on the phone every day during my last visit and had immediately assumed the worst -- or the best, in her opinion. _"Then you should **definitely** wear the dress."_  
  
  
"I've told you, it's not like that."  
  
 _  
"Well, it could be, baby, if you just tried a little--"_  
  
  
" _Mom_. Stop." Ever since Renee had seen a picture of Jacob (during a horrifying incident in which she tried to friend him on Facebook) she had been under the mistaken impression that Jake just 'didn't see me like that' -- something that surely a little makeup and some sexy clothes would fix. It had never occurred to her that I might be the one enforcing the platonic boundaries... because surely no one would enforce platonic boundaries with a boy who looked like _that_. "Not _everyone_ does the cougar thing," I muttered.  
  
 _  
"Excuse me?"_  
  
  
"Nothing. Mom, I've got to go. I love you."  
  
 _  
"I love you too, baby. You have a great Thanksgiving!"_  
  
  
I let out a sigh of relief as I hung up and tossed the phone on the bed, still holding onto the sweater dress. The fabric felt soft in my hands, I had to admit that much.  
  
  
I held the dress to my body and glanced in the mirror. The brown -- sorry, milk chocolate -- did look kind of pretty against my ridiculously pale skin. Almost like there was warmth.  
  
  
Oh, what the hell.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I realized my mistake almost as soon as Jacob walked in the front door. He'd started with his usual "Hi Bells" and sunny smile... then his gaze had dropped to my dress. The scoop-neck part of the dress specifically. He'd looked up again quickly, but I was already blushing. I could've just gone upstairs and changed clothes, but then it would have been _really_ obvious that I'd noticed his reaction. Better to just play dumb.  
  
  
So I sat on the floor of the living room in a Macy's milk-chocolate sweater dress for four hours, eating pie and joking around and watching football and pretending like I didn't notice my best friend sneaking glances down my front.  
  
  
It was awkward.  
  
  
During half-time I brought the dirty dishes to the kitchen. I dumped the plates into the sink and said sharply, "Don't even think about it."  
  
  
When I turned around I saw Jacob behind me next to the table. He was pulling his hand back from the pecan pie, exactly as I'd known he would be. "What?" he said innocently.  
  
  
"You were going to eat all the crust off," I said, wiping my hands on a dish towel.  
  
  
"Was not!"  
  
  
"Were so."  
  
  
"But you don't like the crust, so what difference does it make?"  
  
  
"Your dad likes the crust."  
  
  
"I don't care so much about that."  
  
  
" _My_ dad likes the crust. And he's got a gun."  
  
  
"I can take a hit." Jacob reached for the pie again. I dropped the towel and wedged my way between my best friend and the desserts. "Oh, c'mon, Bells, just one taste?"  
  
  
"Nope." 'One taste' in Jacob's mind constituted four slices.  
  
  
"Please?"  
  
  
"Nope."  
  
  
"Please?"  
  
  
"Nope."  
  
  
"Please?"  
  
  
"Nope." I tried to shove him away from the table, my hands flat against his chest, and it went about as well as could be expected for a one hundred and ten pound girl pushing at a two hundred and fifty pound werewolf -- that is to say, Jacob didn't move an inch. He just grinned down at me from his ridiculous height. I glared back up at him. "You could at least _pretend_ I have an effect," I grumbled.  
  
  
Something in Jacob's expression flickered. "You always have an effect, Bells," he said, his voice suddenly serious. Then, so fast I almost missed it, he glanced down at my dress again.  
  
  
Uh-oh.  
  
  
Jacob was getting that look. The boundary-testing one. I schooled my expression into something friendly but neutral, prepared to ignore or gently rebuff whatever he decided to do, and thus keep things between us in the safe territory of plausible deniability.  
  
  
The problem is, it's kind of hard to plausibly deny the intent behind a kiss.  
  
  
It happened so fast that I didn't have time to prepare myself. Jacob had never even _tried_ to kiss me before, not really, but then there it was, his mouth on mine, his nose brushing against my cheek, his hands on the small of my back. His lips burned with the same insane fire as the rest of him, and they felt so different from the cold stone I'd known _back then_. The heat and the softness... was a totally new sensation.  
  
  
I told myself it was curiosity that made me fist my fingers into Jacob's shirt and kiss him back.  
  
  
His touch changed the moment I responded. I felt rather than heard his muffled groan against my mouth, and an instant later his lips were coaxing mine open; the slick heat of his tongue made my body throb and my toes curl with pleasure. His hands flattened on my back and pulled me flush against his frame. I found myself moving my hands to his shoulders so that I could press my chest more firmly against his, so that as much of him would be touching as much of me as possible. His teeth grazed my lower lip and my head was swimming and this felt _so good..._  
  
  
Then Jacob's mouth left mine, and I let out the tiniest whimper of protest -- what was he doing, why was he stopping?! -- before he pressed his face to my throat, nibbling and nipping, his breath scotching my skin. I was positive that I was about to spontaneously combust. Acting on some animal instinct I rolled my hips into his, trying to find some relief for the ache rapidly building between my legs, and when I rubbed along something hot and hard I heard Jacob grunt against my neck. He stepped closer, his fingers tightening around my waist--  
  
  
\--and as my lower back knocked into the kitchen table, the pecan pie fell to the floor with a crash.  
  
  
"Bella? You okay?"  
  
  
Jacob pulled away with a whispered curse; out of the corner of my eye I saw him smoothing his shirt (which didn't help much) and adjusting himself (which didn't help at all). I just stared blankly at the broken pie plate and bits of crushed pecan covering the kitchen tile.  
  
  
What just happened?  
  
  
"Bella?"  
  
  
"Yeah," I called back hoarsely. "Yeah, Dad, just... dropped a plate. Sorry."  
  
  
"Need any help?"  
  
  
"Naw, I'm helping, I've got it." Jacob's voice sounded bright and cheerful and _happy_ and I could feel all the blood draining out of my face and I thought I might faint and then I was dashing out of the kitchen and up the stairs, stumbling over my own feet, slamming my bedroom door behind me as I yanked the sweater dress over my head and started looking desperately for something, anything else to wear. I found a pair of jeans, but I couldn't hold onto them, my hands were shaking too badly--  
  
  
A knock at the door. "Bells?"  
  
  
"Just a second!" My voice was at least an octave higher than normal. "I'm not dressed!"  
  
  
"Uh, okay..."  
  
  
A moment later I had on the jeans and an old t-shirt. I forced myself to take a few calming breaths, then opened the door. "Okay, so, time for pie?" I asked brightly.  
  
  
Jacob's sunny grin faded as he took in my face, my clothes. He took a step forward and I immediately took a step backward; he hesitated, then walked me back into my room and closed the door behind himself. "All right," he said in a controlled voice, his face a mask. "Why not?"  
  
  
I gulped. "What do you mean?"  
  
  
"Bella, I've never pressured you." Jacob crossed his arms over his chest; someone who knew him less might mistake it for an intimidating gesture, but I knew better. I knew defensiveness when I saw it. "Not once. I've always known how you felt, just like you've always known how I felt, and I've never asked for an explanation from you, not this whole time. Right?"  
  
  
I nodded, the air caught in my lungs. What had I done, what had I done, everything was ruined now--  
  
  
"Well, I'm asking for one now. I want to know _why not_."  
  
  
"But--"  
  
  
"And don't tell me it's about _him_. It hasn't been about him for a long time, so don't tell me that. So just... be honest with me."  
  
  
I drew a shaky breath. I didn't want to have this conversation. I wanted things to stay the same. But he was finally asking straight-out and I couldn't say no. "Jacob, I... I _can't_ , all right? You're too important to me. You're more important to me than _anyone_." Why did he have to kiss me? Why did I have to kiss him back? Everything had been okay! "You're my best friend in the world, Jake, and I love you, you know that, I've _told_ you that. And if we tried to... and it didn't work..." I swallowed past a lump in my throat. "I can't lose you. I can't _risk_ losing you by... by trying to make this into something more than it is."  
  
  
They were awful, selfish, cowardly words, but they were the truth all the same.  
  
  
Jacob's face had grown steadily colder as I'd spoken. "So," he said finally, his voice like winter, "you're saying you love me too much to love me."  
  
  
I couldn't speak, so I just nodded again.  
  
  
"Well, that sounds like bullshit. What's the real reason?"  
  
  
"What?" I said, stunned.  
  
  
"C'mon, Bells, you can do better than that." Jacob smiled at me, his voice exuding the kind of bitterness I'd only heard from him a handful of times and none of them recently. My heart thudded painfully as I realized just how much I was hurting him. "Why am I only good enough to be your friend and not more? Is it 'cause I'm younger? 'Cause I'm not as smart as you? 'Cause I'm from the rez? Would you be ashamed or something?"  
  
  
"Stop it. You know I don't--"  
  
  
"If you _don't_ , then what is it?" He inhaled slowly, and his black eyes raked down my body. "I know it's not because you don't want me."  
  
  
Shit. He could smell how turned on I was -- no, _had been_. Those damn wolf senses! "You..." Heat radiated from my face; I probably looked like a tomato. This was _humiliating._ "Don't you do that. That's none of your business."  
  
  
"It's not?" he said, cocky. "Sorry, I seem to remember _causing_ it."  
  
 _  
"Shut up!"_ I shouted. I was literally shivering with anger and embarrassment... so I said the most hurtful thing I could. " _You_ weren't the one I was thinking about!"  
  
  
A horrible silence followed my words. My eyes filled with tears, and I had to look away from the expression on Jacob's face before I broke down.  
  
  
"Okay," he said finally. His voice was rough. "I'm-- I gotta go."  
  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
  
A moment later, I heard Jacob calling into the living room that he was going to go hang out in town -- which meant he would be running back to La Push on all fours. It would have been nice to have that sort of release. _I_ had to make do with sobbing into my pillow until I finally fell into an exhausted, restless sleep.  
  
  
  
***  
  
 _  
  
You have three unheard messages.  
  
  
First message, sent November 26. 3:19 AM.  
  
  
"Hey, Bells. I guess you're asleep. Uh... so, yeah. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I should never have said any of that stuff and I didn't mean it. Well, I didn't mean most of it. And I know you were telling me the truth, I do, I just wasn't... I guess I thought... Anyway. Just wanted to say sorry. Bye."  
  
  
End of message. Next message, sent November 30. 4:32 PM.  
  
  
"Um... hi. You're still mad at me, huh. I hope you're... I don't know. I know I fucked up-- uh, screwed up. Sorry. About swearing, I mean. Sorry about the other stuff too though. Give me a call when you get this, or, you know, when you want to. If you want to. Bye."  
  
  
End of message. Next message, sent December 5. 10:51 PM.  
  
  
"Hi, Bella. I've got a Christmas present for you. I know it's early, but... yeah. I think you'll like it. If you want to stop over, I'll be here after school. Pretty much every day. I just... I miss you, honey. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please call me. Or come by. Even if it's just to tell me to leave you alone. Bye."  
  
  
End of messages._  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I hadn't ignored Jacob's phone calls to punish him. My anger hadn't lasted very long after he'd left; he'd tried to hurt me because _he_ was hurting and no matter how much it had stung it wasn't like I didn't understand. After all, I'd turned around and done the exact same thing to him, hadn't I? And it wasn't as though we'd never fought before... though this fight was definitely on a whole new level.  
  
  
No, the problem was... everything was messed up now.  
  
  
I'd risen the morning after Thanksgiving determined to finally stop being so selfish and let Jacob go. I would do what I should have done months and months earlier: distance myself, scale things back, and give him the space to move on. Just rip off the band-aid. Then, after a suitable period of time -- maybe once we both had significant others or something -- we could try being friends again, only with new, impenetrable boundaries put in place. It was the right thing to do. For both of us.  
  
  
I cried for a week.  
  
  
Charlie came home from Billy's one evening with a worried report that Jacob looked like hell. He knew we'd fought of course, but he had no idea what about. "C'mon, Bells, call the kid. You guys always make up in the end." I'd had to turn off my cell and stuff it between my mattress and the box spring to keep myself from hitting _Contact: Jake_ and instead curled on the mattress repeating to myself _It's for the best it's for the best it's for the best it's for the best..._  
  
  
That night I had a nightmare about Jacob wrapping his arms around his midsection and I woke up screaming. Charlie came running into my room in a panic -- and his panic got _worse_ when he realized it was a nightmare. I assured him (with gulping sobs) that it wasn't about _him_ , it was just about, uh, giant flesh-eating space creatures, don't worry. After jokingly offering to check in my closet for monsters, Charlie went back to bed. I dug out my cell and had nearly pressed 'Send' before I remembered that Billy probably wouldn't appreciate being woken up at two in the morning by a ringing phone.  
  
  
Face down in bed, I realized that was I was doing to Jake was too much like what Edw-- like what _he_ had done to _me._ I couldn't just cut him out for his own good. It wasn't fair. But it also wasn't fair to continue on with our friendship being the way it was, wonderful except for all the effort it took to ignore the elephant in the room.  
  
  
I finally realized that there was no way around it. I was going to have to date Jacob Black.  
  
  
I tried not to hyperventilate into the pillows as I considered the predicament rationally. The whole point of not being with Jacob was to make sure nothing hurt our friendship. That wasn't working so well anymore. The situation was now such that _not_ dating was more likely to ruin our relationship than _dating_. So the friendship would have to be turned into something new to keep it from being destroyed. If we continued to be friends we wouldn't be friends anymore; if we were more than friends the friendship might still be saved.  
  
  
My head hurt.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I psyched myself up on the drive to La Push the next afternoon.  
  
  
This would be okay. Yeah, I'd never really thought of Jacob _that way_ , but that was because I'd _decided_ not to think of Jacob that way. It wasn't as though I didn't already love him. He was the best person I knew: sweet, funny, unfailingly kind, and the least selfish person I'd ever met (which made his feelings for me even more of a mystery).  
  
  
And he was attractive. I mean, I wasn't _dead_. I saw the same eyes and muscles and smile that the other girls saw when they watched him walk by in the parking lot or the supermarket. Jacob was beautiful, no 'sort of' about it. Not the kind of beautiful _he_ had been, where people stopped in their tracks; women just covertly followed Jacob out of the corners of their eyes. Looking at Jake felt less like you were being struck by lightning and more like you were made of melting chocolate.  
  
  
The chemistry was there, too; maybe it was just that I'd never been kissed by someone with a pulse before, but I was pretty sure that my toes wouldn't have curled like that if Mike Newton had stuck his tongue down my throat. There had been other times, too, times when I'd let my guard down for a moment and it felt like Jacob's hand on my arm would light me on fire. Clearly our compatibility extended to _that_ aspect of our relationship as well.  
  
  
So... I was going to go accept an invitation to be the girlfriend of a gorgeous, funny, sweet, sexy guy who knew all the worst parts of me and still somehow thought I was worth having.  
  
  
Okay. When I put it that way it didn't seem so bad.  
  
  
It even sounded a little... exciting.  
  
  
Jacob stepped out of the garage the minute I pulled into the Blacks' front yard; he must have heard the truck coming a mile away. As was usually the case when he was working on an engine, he wasn't wearing a shirt. For the first time I allowed myself look at his body _that way_. Wow.  
  
  
His expression was wary as I stepped out of the cab, but it faded into open, unabashed relief as I smiled at him hesitantly. An instant later I was swept up in a bear hug, my feet six inches off the ground. "Hey, Bells," he murmured into my hair.  
  
  
"Hey, Jake." Oh, yeah, I'd missed him. Two weeks was entirely too long to go without one of Jacob's hugs.  
  
  
I relaxed for a moment, letting my face rest against the crook of his neck, and tried to think of this less as a _hug_ and more as an _embrace_. It took a moment to let down my carefully cultivated guard, but once I did... I let myself feel how strong his arms were around my waist, how hard his chest was against my breasts, how warm his skin was against my cheek. I inhaled the scent of him. Jacob smelled like sweat and engine grease and strangely enough that was _wonderful_.  
  
  
Okay. Yeah. I could do this. And not just because the alternative was losing him entirely. I could do this because he _really_ smelled good.  
  
  
It was a weird thought, but still...  
  
  
Too soon, Jacob set me back down on the frozen earth. "I'm sorry," he said quickly. I winced as I took in his face; he looked like he hadn't had a good night's sleep in weeks. "I'm really, really, _really_ sorry, Bella."  
  
  
"Jake, I'm sorry too, it wasn't just you, I was--"  
  
  
"No, it was my fault. I pushed, and then when you told me the truth like I asked I was a jerk about it. And I should never have said anything about, um..." He trailed off with a blush before swallowing. "That was really messed up. I'm sorry."  
  
  
"Quit apologizing, Jake," I said firmly. "I mean, yeah, you were a jerk, but I was too. And I, uh... kind of want to talk to you about that."  
  
  
"Can I give you your Christmas present first?"  
  
  
"Um... sure." It was only December sixth... wasn't that a little early? But, hey, if it made Jake stop feeling so bad, I wasn't going to say no. Besides, it would give me another minute or two to get my thoughts together.  
  
  
"Okay." Jacob took my cold hand in his warm one -- but instead of tugging me towards the garage like I expected, he gave me a deep, serious look. "We're friends," he said formally.  
  
  
I furrowed my brow in confusion. "Well, yeah."  
  
  
"No, I mean, _we're friends_. That's your Christmas present." Jake was still speaking very somberly, like he'd thought this out in detail. "I'm going to stop pushing, Bella. You're right -- it's not worth the risk. I got it this time. Your friendship is way more important to me than anything else. So -- no more line-blurring. You won't ever, ever have to worry about it again. I give you my word."  
  
  
My mouth was open, and I couldn't remember how to close it.  
  
  
Jake grinned then, his seriousness gone in a flash. "Of course, it's not your only present. I was thinking I might get you a copy of that _Sunlight_ book. I bet you'll have fun correcting the grammar. You're weird like that."  
  
  
"Uh... yeah," I said blankly. Once again, I was wondering what the hell had just happened.  
  
  
Jacob's smile faded just a hair. "Um, Bells? This is okay, right? I mean, you believe me, don't you? Because I mean it. You were definitely right about all that stuff. It sucked not having my best friend for the last two weeks. So I'm serious about this."  
  
  
I found myself nodding. "Yeah, yeah. Of course. Of course I believe you."  
  
  
"Good." He cocked his head to the side. "So... what was it _you_ wanted to say?"  
  
  
"Oh. Um... nothing important."  
  
  
Jacob led me into the house to warm up, and I felt really, really stupid for wanting to cry.  
  



	2. Chapter 2

_His body was heavy and hot on mine, the bare, dark skin of that muscled chest singeing the nerve endings of my belly and breasts. I was already gasping from the way he was sucking at my throat, and I flat-out whimpered when he moved one large hand down to cup the mound between my thighs. His fingers traced light, teasing circles against the soaked fabric; I squirmed under his touch, trying to get him to press harder, or faster, and to please for the love of God get my underwear out of the way.  
  
  
His lips left my neck to brush along the sensitive shell of my ear. "You **are** thinking of me, aren't you, Bella?" he whispered, his fiery breath making me shiver. "You want me."  
  
  
I nodded frantically, my fingernails digging into his back.  
  
  
"Then say it." He tugged my panties to the side and then his fingers were wetly stroking, his touch sending waves of pleasure through my body even as his deft touch just barely avoided the places that throbbed with the most urgency. "Just say it, Bells, and you can have me."  
  
  
"I want you." I moaned as I felt one long, thick digit slide inside me with shocking ease. "I want you, Jake, I want you, I love you, please--"_  
  
  
"Bella?"  
  
  
I jerked awake with a gasp.  
  
  
"Bella, I'm heading to work." Charlie's voice sounded tired through the door. "I left some toast and jelly out for you, okay?"  
  
  
"Okay," I called, sitting up in bed. "Thanks."  
  
  
I waited until I heard the front door close before I flopped back on the mattress with a groan, my heartbeat flying and my body aching.  
  
  
This was getting ridiculous.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Jacob had been true to his word. Absolutely perfect. I wasn't sure if it was that he'd never really thought about the possibility of losing our friendship (the way I had obsessively), but not seeing me for two weeks had clearly hit him hard. He wasn't coming near any of the boundary lines -- no covert glances checking my reactions, no touches that lingered a moment too long. And it didn't feel forced or awkward, either. Jacob was being such a great friend in every way -- without the merest smidge of anything more than platonic in his demeanor -- that I was half convinced I'd imagined that things had ever been different. In other words, it was everything I'd been praying for for the last ten months.  
  
  
And I couldn't stop picturing him naked.  
  
  
It was wretched. Pathetic. I was acting like the worst stereotype of the indecisive woman: ignoring what was right in front of me, only to desperately want it the instant it was taken away. I felt like a cat meowing at a door and demanding to be on the other side no matter which side that was. My self-loathing was reaching Guinness Book of World Record heights. But none of that changed the fact that I was having to wear "fresh-scented" tampons _all the time_ so that Jake wouldn't suspect how much he was turning me on just by being in the same room.  
  
  
The genie was well and truly out of the bottle. I'd decided to look at Jacob _that way_ , and once I'd started, I couldn't stop. The guards wouldn't go back up no matter how hard I tried -- and believe me, I was trying. I was trying not to look at the muscles on his arms as he shoveled snow off his front porch. I was trying not to smell his skin when he reached past me to steal a bite of whatever I was cooking. I was trying not to feel his heat when he propped his legs up on my lap while we watched dumb Christmas specials on network TV and ate popcorn. I was trying, I _was_... but I was failing. I couldn't ignore it anymore. My best friend was hot in every possible way.  
  
 _  
It's because you're nineteen and never gone farther than a french kiss_ , I told myself. _You're just horny. It doesn't change anything. Nothing is different; there's still no guarantee that things would work out between you if you went for it. You could lose the most important person in your life. And he's being your friend now, just like you asked. You've jerked him around enough. Think unsexy thoughts and wait. It'll go away. Don't do anything stupid, Bella._  
  
 _  
Don't do anything stupid_ was the mantra of my life now.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
"I give up."  
  
  
"You've only been here ten minutes!"  
  
  
"Well, yeah, but I still give up."  
  
  
I grabbed Jacob's arm as he tried to head for the exit (and failed to ignore the flash of heat against my hand as I did). "I hate this place too, but we've still got to find Christmas gifts. How are we supposed to figure out what to get for people if we don't look around?"  
  
  
"I'll make you a deal," Jacob said. He looked around the mall suspiciously as though he expected an attack at any moment. I wasn't quite so paranoid, but the horde of shoppers and the tinny speakers playing 'Winter Wonderland' were quickly getting on my nerves too. "I'll buy Rainier's for our dads if you bake something for the Pack. Cheap, easy, everyone will be happy, and we don't have to step foot inside Best Buy."  
  
  
I frowned. "You're underage, you can't get beer."  
  
  
Jacob flashed me a grin, and my ridiculous heart did a pitter-pat. Hopefully he couldn't hear it over the noise. "Wanna bet whether I'll be carded?"  
  
  
Hmph. "Okay. But what about you? Don't you want something for Christmas?"  
  
  
"Well..." Jacob glanced behind me. "How about that?" I turned around to see a very pretty, very leggy, very blonde girl sipping a coffee by the Starbucks. She was not-so-covertly looking in Jacob's direction.  
  
  
When I turned back my cheeks were flaming and Jacob's grin had widened. "She looks cheap, so I can probably afford her," I said tartly. "But I don't think I have enough wrapping paper."  
  
  
"You don't have to worry about wrapping. The less wrapped the better."  
  
  
"Pig."  
  
  
"Dog, actually."  
  
  
"Whatever. Let's go." I stalked towards the door and out into the parking lot, feeling the cold wind bite through my heavy jacket. Hopefully it would calm my temper. Stupid blonde with her stupid legs.  
  
  
"Well, that was a waste of gas," Jacob said as we got back into the truck. "Let's at least get something to eat before we go home."  
  
  
"McDonald's or Wendy's?" Buying lunch for Jacob in a sit-down restaurant was a straight line to bankruptcy.  
  
  
"Wendy's. Totally need a chocolate shake."   
  
  
As we waited in the drive-thru, Jacob asked, "So, are you and Charlie coming over for Christmas Eve again?"  
  
  
I blinked. "Huh?"  
  
  
"Christmas Eve. Rachel's not coming back this year--" the look on Jacob's face turned bitter "-- she's too busy with something-or-other. So it'll just be you, me, Dad, and Charlie. I hope, anyway. If you two don't show it'll officially be depressing."  
  
  
I was still confused. "Sure, but... what do you mean _again_?"  
  
  
Now Jacob looked confused too. "You guys came over to our place last year, remember? And then we came over to your house on Christmas morning."  
  
  
"Really?"  
  
  
"Yeah, Bells. Our dads drank too much egg nog and insisted on watching that creepy stop-motion Rudolph movie and then started waxing poetic about 'back in the day.' Rachel texted most of the night. The Clearwaters stopped in for awhile and brought fish fry. Then we hung out in front of your flat screen the next day and watched football. You made vegetarian lasagna and no one could tell there was no meat." Jacob's eyebrows came together as he studied my face. "You don't remember any of this, do you."  
  
  
I looked away quickly and pretended that steering wheel was very interesting. "I, uh... don't remember a lot of that time." Most of the last holiday season was a complete blank, actually; an entire Christmas wiped off the mental map. I fought down the urge to cry. "It sounds like it was fun, though."  
  
  
"It was. I mean, you didn't talk much, but..." I heard Jacob swallow. "Well, it'll be fun this year, too. Maybe if we get Charlie and Billy drunk enough they'll tell us whether they wore sequins in the seventies."  
  
  
My melancholy broke instantly as I giggled at that mental image. "Think there are pictures?"  
  
  
"Could be. I'll get _two_ cases of Rainier's."  
  
  
"Sounds good." _This_ was why Jacob Black was my best friend; he could make everything sunnier with just a few words. _This_ was why nothing worth the smallest risk of losing him.  
  
 _  
"Welcome to Wendy's, can I take your order?"_  
  
  
"I'll have a grilled chicken club, please, with a Diet Coke," I told the speaker box, "and..." I glanced over at Jacob. "What do you want?"  
  
  
"Dunno." Then Jacob unbuckled his seat belt, scooted over next to me, and leaned across my body to get a better look at the menu board. The back of his neck was inches from my lips; he was practically in my lap.  
  
  
Oh no.  
  
 _  
Don't do anything stupid,_ I chanted to myself as Jake rattled off a list of requests. He smelled amazing. I remembered the feel of his mouth on my throat and how it had made me weak in the knees. If I ran my tongue along that russet skin, feeling his pulse, would he react the same way? _Don't do anything stupid. Don't do anything stupid. Don't do anything stupid._  
  
  
Thank God for fresh-scented tampons.  
  
 _  
"Your total will be $35.94. Please drive around to the second window."_  
  
  
I gaped in shock as Jacob settled back on the opposite side of the cab. "What did you _order?!_ "  
  
  
He gave me a funny look. "Five cheeseburgers and a thing of boneless wings. Weren't you listening?"  
  
  
"Oh. Uh, of course."  
  
 _  
Don't do anything stupid._  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
A week later, with Christmas looming, I _still_ couldn't figure out what to get Jacob. Especially since he hadn't actually answered my question. (Stupid leggy blonde.) I took a hot shower, hoping that that would help me think.  
  
  
Okay. Something... neutral. Safe. Friendly. Something for his garage, maybe? I had no idea what kind of tools he needed, or what he might like; I still always grabbed the wrong wrench whenever he asked me to hand him something. Maybe Quil and Embry would know. Tools were friendly, right?  
  
  
Or I could cook something. That was less friendly and more intimate, but he loved my cooking, and a _little_ intimate had to be okay. He was my best friend, so we _were_ intimate. We knew each other inside and out.  
  
  
Well, not quite _inside and out_.  
  
 _  
Jacob's body against mine, naked and soapy, hotter even than the near-scalding water that ran over my back. His slick, wet hands running up and down my sides, leaving gooseflesh in their wake even in the heat.  
  
  
"You want me, don't you," he murmured against my skin. He was on his knees in front of me, his height bringing his head even with my chest. His lips teased, though, barely brushing, no matter how I dug my fingers into his hair and tried to guide him to where I wanted his tongue and teeth. " **I'm** the one you think about."  
  
  
My knees were shaking. I was sure I would faint at any moment. "Uh-huh," I managed to say, water running down my face and onto his in huge wet drops.  
  
  
"Then say it, Bells." His hands skirted down my hips and then around to my back, cupping my ass as he kissed his way down my ribcage, licking and nuzzling in turn. "All you have to do is say it and I'm yours."  
  
  
"I think about you..." My words turned into a moan as Jake moved his head and latched onto my breast, his eyes closing as he suckled. I grabbed his broad shoulders just before I collapsed. "I think about **you** , I want you, I love you, please Jacob--"_  
  
  
I was jolted from my daydream as I started to shiver; the water was beginning to turn cold. I realized I'd been rubbing the washcloth between my legs for about two minutes straight and I threw it to the floor of the tub with a slap.   
  
  
Pathetic.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
As the days dragged on I noticed how often the word _love_ was turning up in my little fantasies. But that didn't change anything, either.  
  
  
Love _definitely_ wasn't a guarantee.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Charlie and I got to the Blacks' around eight on Christmas Eve. I fidgeted nervously with the gift as I got out of the truck -- it had taken until December twenty-second but I'd _finally_ thought of something safe and neutral -- only to have Billy tell me that Jacob was 'out running last-minute errands'.   
  
  
Stupid Sam. He couldn't give the Pack _Christmas Eve_ off? Seriously? Were vampires likely to attack in Santa suits?  
  
  
The hours ticked by, but I had to admit, I wasn't bored. Jacob had just put a sticker bow on the Rainier's and shoved it under the coffee table (on top of which sat a twelve-inch fiber optic Christmas tree that flashed red and green, so technically the gift _was_ wrapped and under the tree); being as it was out and obvious, Billy and Charlie had cracked open the case and started watching holiday television. It was everything Jacob had promised. I had to bite a pillow to keep from laughing as they sang along to Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol at decibels that would have made the wolves howl in pain.  
  
  
By eleven there was a significant dent in the first case of beer and still no sign of Jacob. "Where's your boy, Billy?" Charlie said, his words slurring just a hair. "Shouldn't he be home by now?"  
  
  
Billy glanced at me. "Must be stuck on the roads."  
  
  
Such a lame excuse wouldn't work on Charlie ninety-nine percent of the time, but the combination of Rainier's and Mr. Magoo seemed to have made him more gullible. "Okay. Well, we're gonna need to get going pretty soon." My father gave me a sheepish look. "You don't mind driving, Bells, right?"  
  
  
"Yeah, that's fine." I glanced down at Jacob's gift under the coffee table. I didn't want him to open it in front of his dad. "Um... I'm just gonna go to the garage and leave this for Jake. I'll be right back."   
  
  
I pulled on my boots and trudged across the front yard, the sounds of Billy and Charlie singing about razzleberry dressing echoing off-key in my ears.  
  
  
The garage was freezing, of course. It was always warmer if Jacob was there, his body heat keeping the little space tolerable if not toasty, but when he was gone my breath misted in the icy air. I set the gift on top of his work bench where he couldn't possibly miss it, then turned around to go back into the house--  
  
  
\--when I saw Jacob coming out of the woods.  
  
  
Buck naked.  
  
 _  
Oh God oh God oh God._  
  
  
I froze like a deer in the headlights. He didn't see me -- I was mostly blocked by the Rabbit -- but I could see him. The snow literally melted under his footsteps; the moonlight gleamed on his skin. And he was very, very, _very_ naked. I could see _everything_ , and I hoped to God the temperature wasn't, uh, affecting him, because if _that_ was him cold then he had to be in record books or something, I knew next to nothing about relative sizes of... um... but still--  
  
  
I was blushing so hard that I was sure I was breaking capillaries, but I couldn't look away as Jake came into the garage with a weary sigh. I hoped I was dreaming again or this was about to get incredibly awkward.  
  
  
Then he saw me.   
  
  
And he squeaked like a little girl.  
  
  
Nope, not a dream.  
  
  
"Jesus, Bella!" Jacob stepped to the other side of the Rabbit quickly, effectively hiding the parts of himself that I hadn't seen before. "What are you--"  
  
  
"I was just dropping off your present," I explained quickly, my face still on fire. "I'm heading home, I didn't think I'd see you--"  
  
  
"Well, you did."  
  
  
"Yeah. Got that." I couldn't stop staring at his stomach, the way the muscles of his abdomen left little shadows under the bare bulb lighting the garage. He hadn't been shirtless in front of me very much recently. Part of the friends thing, no doubt. He was beautiful, he was _unbelievably_ beautiful--  
  
 _  
Don't do anything stupid._  
  
  
"Uh, Bells?" Jacob's blush wasn't nearly as obvious as mine, given the relative difference in our skin tones, but it was there nonetheless. I was surprised to find him being shy about his body, but I supposed there was a difference between working on an engine in cut-off shorts and being unexpectedly caught in the nude by a girl. "You're between me and my clothes."  
  
  
I glanced over my shoulder. Yeah, his pants and shirt were sitting on the stool. "Ah."  
  
  
Jacob waited for a moment. When I didn't do anything, he raised his eyebrows. "If you're not going to toss them to me, will you at least look away?"  
  
  
"Oh. Sure."  
  
  
He waited again... then cleared his throat. "Uh, you know you're _not_ actually looking away, right?"  
  
  
"Um." I swallowed, still unable to tear my eyes from his skin. A terrible unsatisfied ache deep in my body was making it hard to think. "Yeah. I guess I'm not."  
  
  
Silence.  
  
  
Something in Jacob's expression was wavering, and I realized my feet were taking me around the hood of the Rabbit, walking me towards him without my having given them permission to do so. I felt like I was moving in slow motion.  
  
 _  
Don't do anything stupid,_ my mind warned. _Just don't. Everything has been okay; change it and you could lose him. This will be the biggest mistake of your life._  
  
 _  
Want it,_ my body told me in much less eloquent language. _Need it. Need **him**._  
  
  
Jacob hadn't moved, not a single inch. His dark eyes followed me as I approached.  
  
 _  
Don't,_ my mind said again, pleading this time. _Don't. Don't. Do. Not._  
  
  
My body just throbbed wordlessly.  
  
  
I was standing in front of him now, only a few inches away. I was too shy to look up at his face or down at his nakedness, so I just focused on the juncture of his neck and shoulder, at the sharp outline of his clavicle. I heard him take a deep breath and make a little noise in the back of his throat; I'd forgotten to wear a tampon. It probably wouldn't have done enough anyway, not this time.  
  
  
I hesitated, unable to make a decision.  
  
  
"Bella," Jacob begged huskily, "you're asking too much--"  
  
  
Of course I was.  
  
  
I leaned forward and pressed my lips right to his collarbone.  
  
 _  
Fine,_ my mind snapped. _Don't say I didn't warn you._  
  
  
Suddenly there were hot hands on my arms, spinning me around, and then my back was pressed against the driver's side door of the Rabbit as Jacob's body crashed into mine. "Shit," he groaned under his breath, frantically pulling at my coat, "shit shit shit god _damn_ it..."  
  
  
I knew how he felt.   
  
  
In a moment my coat and hoodie were on the concrete and Jacob's hands were under my shirt, palming and kneading; I was raking my fingernails across his chest and stomach like I'd been dreaming about for weeks. The cold of the air couldn't touch me; Jacob was too blazingly hot for that. And the hottest part of him was pressed to my bare stomach, rigid and heavy and insistent.  
  
  
My mind went AWOL and my hormones took over as an entire month of erotic fantasies caught up with me. No more thinking things through. I reached down between us and stroked him, pushed him more firmly against my belly, felt his hips jerk as I did. He was silky smooth and iron hard at the same time and I _loved_ the feel of him in my hand. "Fuck," he gasped, his forehead resting against the window. "Oh _fuck_ Bella, this is--"  
  
  
I didn't get a chance to find out what this was.  
  
  
"Bella!"  
  
  
I jerked my hands away from Jacob's body as I heard Charlie's voice call from the house.  
  
  
"Bella, ready to go?"  
  
  
Jacob growled and glared at the door, muttering something that sounded like "fucking cockblocker". He was panting heavily and so was I. Thank God it wasn't possible to see into the garage from the front porch...  
  
  
"I... I have..." I nodded toward the door, but Jacob wasn't letting me go. He kept me pinned solidly against the Rabbit, his body flush against mine. I felt him as he kept pressing against my stomach with tiny instinctive movements. "Jake," I tried again (my mind starting to come back and a sudden rush of panic along with it), "please, I've got to--"  
  
  
Jacob shoved his hand into my pants without warning and I had to choke back a cry as his fingers slid along my soaked underwear and slippery folds. "I knew you were lying," he whispered. " _I_ did this, right?"  
  
  
I drew in a ragged breath as my mind decided to speak up again. _Good job. Way to ruin everything._  
  
  
" _Right_ , Bella?"  
  
  
All I had to do was say it, but this wasn't a fantasy, it was real life, and something old and unformed and frightened was keeping the words stuck in my throat.  
  
 _  
Won't be able to fix this one._  
  
  
"Bella?" My father's voice was coming closer.  
  
  
"I have to go, Jake," I pleaded.  
  
  
Jacob pulled back, searching my expression. He didn't like what he saw. "Don't you dare, honey," he murmured, and I knew he wasn't talking about driving my father home. "Don't you _dare_. I won't play this game again."  
  
  
My heart was flying, and I couldn't tell if it was from his words, his fingers, or the terror that was drowning out everything else.  
  
 _  
He'll leave you, you know. Maybe not if you were just friends, but now..._  
  
  
I forced myself to swallow. "Jake, please."  
  
  
He paused for a long moment, then reluctantly removed his hand. He bent over, grabbed my hoodie and coat off the floor, and handed them to me without a word.  
  
  
I couldn't look at his face.  
  
  
As I all but ran out of the garage, I heard him call, "I'll see you in the morning, Bells. Merry Christmas." There was something both sad and steely in his voice.  
  
 _  
So much for not doing anything stupid._


	3. Chapter 3

_You have one unheard message.  
  
  
First message, sent December 25, 1:12 AM.  
  
  
"Bells? Bella, pick up, I know you can't sleep either... Please talk to me, honey. I'm trying to get it, I swear, but I'm not a mind reader, okay? What am I supposed to do? I mean, it's not just me, I can tell that you're... And I'm... I don't... goddamn it, Bella, I know you're laying in bed looking at the 'missed call' message right now and waiting to see if I'm leaving a voicemail. Pick. Up. The. Phone. [silence] All right, fine. I'll see you in a few hours and you can bet your ass we're going to talk then. Bye."  
  
  
End of messages._  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
I was four when my mother told me all about Santa Claus. I'd heard the name before, of course, and gotten gifts under the tree, but he'd still just been a nebulous figure in the back of my mind; that December was when I got to read _T'was the Night Before Christmas_ and learned to sing 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.' _He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!_  
  
  
I freaked out.  
  
  
On Christmas Eve Renee sat on the floor of my room, trying to coax me out from under the bed where I was hiding from the man in the red suit who was going to sneak into my house that very night to spy on me. Finally she had to explain (multiple times) that it was _okay_ , Santa Claus was a _nice_ man, a _good_ man who loved all children (especially me since I was the best little girl in the whole world), and that when someone so nice who loved you so much came to bring you presents in the night, well... that was something you wanted! _There's nothing to be scared of, baby,_ she said. _Santa's one of the good guys._  
  
  
Her reasoning eventually won over my four-year-old mind. I crawled out, put on reindeer pajamas, set milk and cookies on the table, and went to sleep. The next morning I got a bicycle and decided I really liked Santa after all.  
  
  
(In retrospect there may have been some side effects from this experience.)  
  
  
Regardless, not since then -- that night when I was four and was certain that Santa would be barging into my room and judging me unworthy -- had I been so terrified of a Christmas as I was of this one. If I had been able to fit I would have hidden under my bed again and refused to come out, no matter how ridiculous I looked or how much it confused Charlie.  
  
  
I didn't want to see Jacob.  
  
  
I really, _really_ didn't want to see Jacob.  
  
  
Except I wanted to see Jacob.  
  
  
Pathetic.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Christmas Day dawned bright and sunny, with a picturesque fresh inch of snow covering the front lawn and coating the branches of the tree outside my window. Around five AM sheer exhaustion had overtaken my miserable panic and knocked me unconscious for a couple of hours; when I woke I felt like hell, and a quick glance in the mirror confirmed I looked it, too. Nothing sexier than lank, limp hair and dark circles under the eyes.  
  
 _  
Don't think about being sexy,_ I told myself. _Don't think about sex at all. That's what got you in this mess in the first place._  
  
  
"Merry Christmas, kiddo," Charlie said when I came downstairs. He sat at the kitchen table reading the paper, a cup of coffee in his hand. He didn't look a lot better than me -- too much Mr. Magoo, probably. "There's scrambled eggs on the stove."  
  
  
"Thanks. Merry Christmas."  
  
  
We ate our breakfast in silence. (If I'd been at Renee's there would have been a CD of carols playing and an enthusiastic opening of presents. Today I preferred things Charlie's way. I wasn't in the mood for music _or_ enthusiasm.)  
  
  
All too fast -- before the first pot of coffee was gone, even -- there was a knock on the door.  
  
  
I nearly dove under the table.  
  
  
Charlie got up with a groan, rubbing his temples, and left the kitchen. A moment later I heard the front door open, then Billy's voice saying, "Merry Christmas. I feel like shit."  
  
  
"There's coffee."  
  
  
"Thank God."  
  
  
"Merry Christmas, Jacob."  
  
  
"Merry Christmas, Charlie. Where's Bella?"  
  
 _  
You could always go out the window,_ my mind reasoned. _You might make it to the truck before your toes freeze. You've got a couple thousand in savings, that's probably enough to start a new life in Mexico, and I bet the dollar to peso conversion rate is really good--_  
  
  
Too late.  
  
  
Jacob stood in the doorway to the kitchen and he did _not_ look happy.  
  
  
"Um... Merry Christmas?" I squeaked.  
  
  
"Merry Christmas," he said gravely. "Let's go upstairs."  
  
  
I swallowed and lamely tried, "Our dads..."  
  
  
"Our dads are so hungover we could go to Italy and they wouldn't notice until New Year's. Come on."  
  
  
My heart was in my shoes as I slunk up the stairs, Jacob behind me. He probably suspected that I would bolt out the door if he didn't keep an eye out. _Told you you'd destroy everything._ My mental voice was smug. _He's gone, you've lost him. Just wait until he says it out loud. Maybe then you'll learn your lesson._  
  
  
He opened the door to my bedroom politely. I tiptoed past him -- the heat that radiated from his body brushed me as I did and I resisted my immediate inclination to lean into it -- and sat down on the edge of the bed. At this point my only goal was to keep from bursting into tears before he'd even started to speak. I thought I could probably manage that, as long as I didn't look up at him or try to talk or think or move too much.  
  
  
Jacob closed the door. There was a long moment of silence, then finally -- "Okay, Bella, what gives?"  
  
  
Not crying required that I not open my mouth, so I just gnawed on my lower lip and stared at the carpet.  
  
  
"Bells, come on, not talking to me isn't going to help anything."  
  
 _  
Don't cry. Do Not Cry._  
  
  
A sigh. "Okay, fine, I'll go first. You know that I'm in love with you, Bella. I mean, you're practically all I think about. But all that stuff you said on Thanksgiving... you're right, nothing's worth losing what we've got. I don't _have_ to have more. Don't get me wrong, that'd be great, but having you as my best friend is way more important."  
  
  
 _Oh please God don't cry._  
  
  
"And I thought that's what you wanted too, but, well, the whole being-all-over-me-while-I'm-naked thing... I'm totally lost, honey, and if you don't tell me what you're looking for then I'm gonna have a breakdown or something 'cause I can't _do_ this, being able to _smell_ how turned on you are and not knowing if I'm supposed to touch you or not or if you're going to jump me and then run away and I'm _really_ worried about making the wrong move here, so... some direction would be good, Bells. Please."  
  
  
I tried to swallow. _Oh God oh God oh God..._  
  
  
After a long moment, Jacob cleared his throat. "Honey, this is the part where you're supposed to say something so that I don't start to freak out." When I didn't speak (I was too busy furiously blinking back tears) I heard him take a deep breath. "Do you... do you want me to go? 'Cause we can just--"  
  
  
Yeah, that did it.  
  
  
"Please don't go!" I wailed, leaping off the bed and throwing my arms around him. The heat of his chest burned my cheek even through his shirt and my messy sobs were leaving wet spots and what if this was the last time I ever got to hug Jacob Black? "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know I'm an awful person, please just don't hate me, don't go, don't leave--"  
  
  
"Uh, Bells?" I suddenly felt very warm and kind of squished; Jacob was nearly crushing me with his embrace. "Did you not just hear the part where I explained that I'm pathetically in love with you?"  
  
  
"Yeah, but--"  
  
  
"I'm not _leaving_ , honey, I just thought you might want me to go for a little while--"  
  
  
"I don't!"  
  
  
"--and I don't hate you. I'm not _going_ to hate you." His hands rubbed my back soothingly. "Aw, Bells, calm down. I'm not going anywhere. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried."  
  
  
"But you'll--"  
  
  
"No, I won't. Now breathe."  
  
  
I forced myself to inhale, my face pressed to Jacob's chest. He still smelled really good. Ridiculous that I was _still_ thinking about that at a time like this.  
  
  
"Better?" His voice rumbled against my ear.  
  
  
"Yeah."  
  
  
"Okay. So let's sit and figure this shi-- _stuff_ out, okay?"  
  
  
"Uh-huh." I was shaking as I sat back down on the bed, even though Jacob sat with me and kept me close against his heated side. The shivering probably wasn't from cold. I burrowed my face into his neck, trying to soak up warmth and comfort and _Jacobness_ and--  
  
  
\--I kissed his throat before I could stop myself.  
  
  
His breath hitched.  
  
  
What. The Hell. Was Wrong. With Me?  
  
  
"Ooooo-kay." The word was a long whisper as it escaped from Jacob's lips. "So... this. This is different."  
  
 _  
Cocktease_ , my mind said disgustedly.  
  
  
I was too humiliated to lift my head from his shoulder. "I'm sorry," I mumbled.  
  
  
"Don't be sorry. _Definitely_ don't be sorry, Bells, I just don't..." His arms trembled slightly around me. "You didn't do this stuff before."  
  
  
Why hadn't I gone out the window when I'd had the chance? "I, uh... I didn't _think_ about this stuff before."  
  
  
"And now you do."  
  
  
My cheek slid against his neck as I nodded. "But it doesn't change anything, Jake. I mean, just because I think about _that_ now doesn't mean... that doesn't make it any more likely that things would work out between us. What if you get sick of me, or we fight over something dumb, or things go _wrong_ and then we break up and we can't be friends anymore? I can't do that, Jake, and I wouldn't even enjoy being together while it _was_ working because I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop _all the time_ \--"  
  
  
Jacob was rubbing circles on my back again. "Breathe, honey."  
  
  
"I'm sorry I'm so stupid."  
  
  
"You're not stupid, Bella. You're just neurotic. And I knew that already." I felt warmth as he kissed my hair. "I'm sorry about what I said on Thanksgiving, by the way," he murmured.  
  
  
"Which part?"  
  
  
"The part where I said it wasn't about _him._ " I froze up and Jacob pulled me closer. "So you really are scared, huh?" he asked thoughtfully. "Like, really _really_ scared."  
  
  
"I can't lose you," I whispered.  
  
  
"You won't."  
  
  
"You can't promise that!"  
  
  
"I just did."  
  
  
"Jake--"  
  
  
"Bella, you won't lose me. I've got an idea, okay? And it's a really good one."  
  
  
I pulled back a little and quickly wiped my cheeks with the palm of my hand. What a great Christmas present I was giving my best friend: snotting up his shirt like a toddler. Nice. "What idea?" _I_ couldn't think of anything that could fix this mess, but I was certainly open to suggestions.  
  
  
Jacob's dark eyes searched my face for a moment, his expression unreadable. After a moment he nodded with satisfaction. "It's like I said, Bells." His voice was calm and steady. "We're friends. Best friends. That's all."  
  
  
My heart flipped over a couple of times, and my body ached in protest, but my mind sighed in relief. _Finally. Listen to Jake, he's talking sense. This is good, this is safe, this is-- wait, what?_  
  
  
Jacob had started kissing my neck.  
  
 _  
Yay!_ my inarticulate body cheered.  
  
  
"Uh, Jake?" I asked nervously. His soft lips were just _barely_ pressing into my skin, leaving a trail of unreal heat in their wake. "What are you doing?"  
  
  
"Nothing." His hands, which had been rubbing my back a moment ago, slid down to clutch my waist.  
  
  
"This... this, uh, doesn't..." I tried to think, but that was hard when Jacob's teeth were grazing my earlobe. "This isn't really 'best friend' behavior..."  
  
  
"Sure it is," Jacob whispered against my cheek, his voice just as calm as before. "This'll just be something else we do, honey. Like watching TV. No big deal. Nothing to be afraid of."  
  
  
Somehow, weirdly enough, I found myself edging my way into his lap. Strange, that. "So... like... friends with benefits?" I said cautiously.  
  
  
"Mmm. No. More like... best friends _plus some_." I felt the tiniest lap of his tongue on my skin and almost fainted from pleasure or terror, I wasn't sure which. "And if you don't like the _plus some_ we'll just stop doing it. You know, the way we'd turn off a movie we don't like. But we'd still be best friends, Bells, because we never _stopped_ being best friends. So there's nothing for you to worry about."  
  
 _  
Hang on, I'm confused_ , my mind said.  
  
  
"So we'd... okay..." Jacob's arms kept tightening around my midsection as I twisted around in his embrace, and when I shifted one knee over to straddle him entirely he made a little _mmph_ noise against my collarbone. "Everything would be the same, though? Nothing could... go wrong?"  
  
  
"Of course not," he assured me, his hips lifting into mine (I held back a moan, the pressure felt indescribable). "Nothing will be different, honey. We'll spend all our time together and... ah... talk on the phone and go get chocolate shakes from Wendy's and love each other, just... just like before. Nothing different, just a little bit... extra. _Plus some._ Oh, _fuck_ , that feels really good..."  
  
  
By this point I was shamelessly grinding myself against the stiff, hot bulge that was pressing between my thighs, and yes, it _did_ feel _really good_. "But that-- Jake, that sounds like... how is that not dating?"  
  
  
"It's not dating because it's not scary," Jacob said as he reclined back onto the bed. Somehow his hands had wound up under my shirt, and his thumbs were tracing circles into the skin of my belly. I could feel him trembling beneath me. "Dating's scary, so this can't be dating. Because it's not scary at all. See how that works?"  
  
  
I opened my mouth, then closed it.  
  
 _  
Well... uh..._ My mind did a mind-version of a shrug. _I... guess that makes sense?_  
  
  
"Okay." I exhaled slowly and leaned over Jacob's body, my hair brushing along his chest. I was starting to relax. "So... we're not dating."  
  
  
"No."  
  
  
"Just friends."  
  
  
"Yep."  
  
  
"Plus some."  
  
  
"Exactly."  
  
  
"Nothing to be scared of."  
  
  
"Right."  
  
  
"I'm not scared."  
  
  
"Good."  
  
  
"Are _you_ scared?"  
  
  
"I'm fucking terrified, Bells."  
  
  
"Oh. Um... don't be."  
  
  
"I'll try."  
  
  
"Okay."  
  
  
Then our lips met, and that was pretty much that.  
  
  
Jacob might have been, in his words, _fucking terrified_ , but he certainly seemed to have a plan. Or he was just really good at thinking on his feet -- or rather, on his back. Either way, he definitely wanted my shirt off, and _I_ wanted my shirt off (and his, for that matter) and thusly our shirts came off as fast as they could so that we didn't have to break contact for more than a half-second. It was still too long.  
  
  
His mouth was amazing. But his hands were putting up major competition for _Most Talented Body Part_ as they roamed across my back, tangled in my hair, squeezed my ass and ground my hips harder against his own. When he did that he had to break our kiss to pant for breath, and I took the opportunity to taste the skin of his jawline. He was salty.  
  
  
Crap, I was practically soaking through my jeans, and I knew Jacob could smell it. I knew because of how deeply he was inhaling, and because he'd started fumbling with the clasp on my bra. He wouldn't be doing that if he didn't think I wanted it.  
  
  
Speaking of which... _did_ I want it?  
  
  
Definitely.  
  
  
But what if I looked like a slut?  
  
  
Taking off my bra the first time we'd made out for more than thirty seconds, what did _that_ say, what would he think--  
  
  
"Bella?" Jacob's husky voice had turned worried, and I realized I had stiffened in his arms. His fingers stopped working on the hooks. "Are you okay?"  
  
 _  
It's just Jacob_ , I reminded myself. _Just Jacob. I know the way he thinks and he won't think anything bad. We're best friends. This isn't new, it's only plus some. I don't need to be scared._  
  
  
I knew that it was only a trick of words, of course, but my rising panic ebbed almost immediately anyway.  
  
  
"Yeah," I whispered, relaxing again. "I'm fine."  
  
  
"Good, 'cause _I'm_ not," he muttered in frustration, pulling at my bra again. He couldn't figure out the clasp. "Take this thing off or I'm going to rip it."  
  
  
(Was it wrong that that I got wetter when he said that? I clearly had problems.)  
  
  
Regardless, bras didn't grow on trees and this one was expensive. I sat back so that I was kneeling over him, unhooked the straps, and then I was... well, exposed. From the waist up, anyhow.  
  
  
I blushed.  
  
  
Jacob did not.  
  
  
A moment later he was holding me in place and that was a good thing, because I was squirming involuntarily as his tongue lapped and his teeth nipped. I sure as hell wasn't trying to get _away_ but I _had_ to squirm because it was almost too much sensation, it just felt so _good_ , I had _no idea_ that that could feel so good, and his mouth was _so hot_ that I thought I might catch on fire and I couldn't stop moaning "Jake" over and over and--  
  
  
\--oh my God.  
  
  
I clapped a hand over my mouth.  
  
  
It took Jacob a moment to realize that my squirming had turned to active resistance, but once he did he stopped and glanced up. "What?" he asked, his brown skin flushed.  
  
  
"Charlie and Billy!" I gasped. (Kind of. My hand was still over my mouth, so it came out more like "Shalee an Illee!")  
  
  
Jake's eyes widened, then he looked at the door and frowned. "They're asleep," he said after a moment.  
  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
  
"Yeah. Really even breathing, slow heartrates, all that good stuff. They're out. Jeez, how much did they drink last night?"  
  
  
I shrugged. "I lost track. But they were singing to Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol."  
  
  
"Aw, man, I miss all the fun. I'm gonna _kill_ Sam."  
  
  
"You're _positive_ they're asleep?" I pressed nervously. If our fathers heard me moaning Jacob's name I was revisiting the moving-to-Mexico plan.  
  
  
"Yeah, honey, I'm positive." Jacob smirked, unable to hold back that wolfish arrogance that sometimes got the better of him. "Don't worry, I'll try not to make you scream too loud or anything."  
  
  
For a moment I almost froze up again. This was just... so... hearing things like that said _out loud_...  
  
  
But no. This was Jacob, my best friend, and he was just being a jerk like he sometimes was. No different than teasing me for falling in the surf at the beach or claiming extra years because he beat me at checkers. No different.  
  
  
I knew how to respond when Jacob was arrogant... _especially_ when I knew he was full of it.  
  
  
"What makes you so sure _I'll_ be the one screaming?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I traced my fingertips over each curve and groove of his chest -- it was only fair, _he'd_ had his mouth all over _mine_ a minute ago. He was solid muscle but still soft, just the way I'd been imagining and dreaming of. "I mean, maybe I'm better at this than you, huh?"  
  
  
(It was pretty much the same thing I'd said to him when we'd borrowed Embry's Wii for the weekend, minus the screaming part. I slaughtered him at Mario Kart.)  
  
  
The _fucking terrified_ look flashed briefly over Jacob's features, but it was gone again in an instant. He seemed to be a little distracted by the way I was touching his stomach. Good. "We'll see," he said hoarsely. "Only one way to find out, right?"  
  
  
I grinned and leaned back down.  
  
  
This time when we kissed (and touched, and grabbed) it was almost competitive. I fought to stay quiet while Jacob squeezed and rubbed his palm along my breasts; he bit his lip but otherwise kept a straight face when I returned the favor and licked lightly as his nipples. (I wouldn't even have been sure he liked it if a small jerk of his hips hadn't given him away.) I tested him, he tested me. Not serious, not scary, nothing to be afraid of. We were just... playing.  
  
  
It was _fun_.  
  
  
A few minutes later things got a little more heated and he bit at my shoulder. For such a relatively non-erogenous zone the action had an impressive effect; my entire frame quivered with hot pleasure, and suddenly I was less interested in fooling around. _More?_ my body asked hopefully.  
  
  
More.  
  
  
Yeah, that sounded good.  
  
  
I slid off of Jacob's chest to lie on my side next to him. My hands went to his zipper.  
  
  
"Ah, Bells..." Jake couldn't keep from groaning this time, and I felt a little surge of triumph. Who knew that you could feel so _powerful_ doing stuff like this? "I, uh, I've gotta ask..."  
  
  
"Mm-hmm?" And for that matter, who knew it was so hard to unbutton someone else's pants?  
  
  
"How far are you thinking of going here?"  
  
  
I paused. "Um..."  
  
  
"'Cause I'm up for anything, honey. Whatever you want. We can stop whenever or... you know, not."  
  
  
That was a lot of decision-making.  
  
  
"Well, I... I guess..." I started fiddling with the button again, something to keep my hands busy as I thought. "I don't know. It's not like I've done this before, so--"  
  
  
Jacob stilled under my touch. "You haven't?"  
  
  
"Um, no." I glanced up; Jacob was wide-eyed with shock. "No, I've never... did you think I had?"  
  
  
"Well yeah, I just assumed that you and he... I mean, you were together a long time, I thought you must've... you've never? Really?"  
  
  
I did _not_ want to think about _him_ right now. And this was starting to make me really self-conscious. Was I supposed to know what I was doing? Was I supposed to be really good at this? What if Jake was expecting me to be super-talented or something -- and oh crap, what if _he_ wasn't-- "What about you? Have you...?"  
  
  
Jacob had never had a girlfriend, I knew that much. Nothing serious, anyway; he'd gone on dates, taken some girls to dances, been to some parties. But that was mostly before he and I became best friends, and I'd just assumed... I mean, he was so young... but not having a girlfriend didn't necessarily mean anything, did it? Oh no, what if I'd been wrong, what if he'd been with _tons_ of girls who knew how to do all _kinds_ of stuff and I didn't measure up--  
  
  
"No. I haven't."  
  
  
Oh thank God.  
  
  
Suddenly I found myself on my back. The mattress squeaked in protest as Jacob crashed his lips against mine, settling his weight roughly over my body, his hands clutching and _claiming_. The pace became frantic; I dragged my fingernails across his shoulders as he sucked hard on my throat. We were marking each other up. I didn't mind that at _all_.  
  
  
"Bella," he whispered against my skin. "Bella, Bella, _Bella_..."  
  
  
I frowned slightly. "It means that much to you?" I knew it had meant a lot to _him_ , but it seemed out of character for _Jacob_ to put so much stock in something like virginity--  
  
  
"No, I just... I was..." Jake didn't look up from my neck, and I swore I could feel his face getting even hotter. "I know he was supposed to be super-perfect at _everything_..."  
  
  
I blinked. The idea that Jacob might be insecure had honestly never occurred to me. "Oh. Well, I wouldn't know." This wasn't something I really wanted to talk about, but-- "I bet it would've been really cold, though."  
  
  
It worked -- Jacob snickered. "Won't have to worry about _that_ ," he said smugly. He stroked my bare side with a firm, blazing hand, apparently intending to prove his point. My breath caught as his fingers teased around the edge of my jeans.  
  
  
Oh, right, I had been taking off his pants. I needed to get back to that.  
  
  
It was hard to work the zipper of his jeans with Jacob's touch burning into my skin -- particularly the way he was focused on lapping and sucking at my breasts. He grinned every time I gasped or arched against him. If I'd thought Jake was feeling cocky before, it was nothing compared to now.  
  
  
Then I slid my hand into his boxers and squeezed his erection.  
  
  
I _loved_ wiping arrogant looks off of Jacob Black's face.  
  
  
He felt just as good as he had last night, and any flutter of nervousness I might've felt disappeared the moment I heard him groan helplessly. The denim of the jeans was scraping at my knuckles as I stroked, but the _heat_ , the _heaviness_ , the way he pushed himself into my hand...  
  
  
...I felt like I was born to do this.  
  
  
(Weird, to suddenly have your life goals whittled down to giving good handjobs, but there it was. A month of picturing these things every time I closed my eyes had something to do with it, I think.)  
  
  
Jacob started fumbling with my pants, which was awkward since he was trying not to move himself out of my reach at the same time. Also his eyes were closed. "I am _really_ glad I jerked off last night," he said, biting at his lower lip.  
  
  
"You did?" I asked, surprised. I didn't stop stroking, though.  
  
  
"Of course I did, Bells, I would never have slept otherwise-- oh, fuck this--" Jacob hooked his hand into my waistband and yanked sharply. The fabric gave with a sharp tearing sound, and then his fingers were pulling down my underwear. "Last night _and_ this morning, I dreamed about you and _had_ to come or I wouldn't've been able to _walk_ , and if I hadn't I would've been done by now-- Oh, goddamn, Bella, you're so fucking hot..."  
  
  
Jacob's language was getting filthier as he got harder.  
  
  
I suddenly realized why.  
  
  
I was naked.  
  
  
Totally naked.  
  
  
Totally, completely naked, uncovered, every-single-inch-of-skin-showing-oh-my-G

od-he's-looking-at-me-he's-looking-and-I'm- _naked_ \--

 

But then my skin _was_ covered... by Jacob's body. "S'ok, honey," he murmured, his hot stomach sliding gently against mine, his jeans rubbing the inside of my thighs. "I won't look if you don't want."

 

Oh my God, what was I doing?

 

"Bella?"

 

It was all different now, he'd seen me _naked_ and I was kidding myself everything would change and what if it didn't work Jake would be _gone_ I loved him I loved him and he'd be _gone_ \--

 

"Bella, shh, listen, listen to me honey." Jacob's voice was soft and warm in my ear. "Remember when we went swimming last summer? Down on the beach, and it got cold and we built a fire after and I told you all about the time Rebecca got grounded because she put seaweed in Rachel's hair? You remember that day, right?"

 

I gulped, trying to breathe. "Uh-huh."

 

"You were wearing your bathing suit, the black one. I know you bought it 'cause it didn't show much skin and you thought it was modest. It wasn't. It was really tight, Bells, and the water was freezing. I could see _all_ of you, your tits, your ass, everything. You were so fucking sexy and I was so fucking turned on. I built the fire because if I held you to keep you warm you'd know how hard I was. I had wet dreams for a week." His tone stayed low and gentle and soothing. "So it's fine, Bella, this isn't new, I've already seen you, okay? We were best friends before you wore that bathing suit and we were best friends after. We were best friends fifteen minutes ago and we're best friends now. It's okay."

 

Jacob's weight was heated and heavy and his body pressed mine down into the mattress. It felt comforting, like one of his hugs.

 

I calmed down.

 

It was just my best friend, after all. Plus some.

 

"Do you want to stop, honey?"

 

I looked up; Jake was watching me carefully. "Do you?" I asked instead of replying. I needed another second or two to think about my answer.

 

"No. Definitely not." He rocked his hips gently against me; I could still feel how stiff he was against my thigh. "But it won't be much fun if you're having a panic attack."

_  
This is Jake. This is Jacob Black. Don't worry._ Apparently my mind was finally on board.

 

"Bella--"

 

"I want to keep going," I said. And I kissed him, tasting his mouth.

 

He let out a muffled groan, then reached down to push his own pants off -- I considered this to be totally fair, because being the only one naked would definitely make it hard to get comfortable. And after all, I'd seen him naked too. So it was no big deal.

 

The throbbing in my body said otherwise, of course. The throbbing in my body thought this was a _very_ big deal. _Yay!_

 

Then the throbbing got worse _and_ better as Jacob slid his hand right where I wanted it, spreading slick moisture up and down with hot fingers. "Oh," I heard myself moan, the pleasurable ache making it hard to think. "Oh, I like that..."

 

"I can tell," he said, his own voice a low growl. "Fuck, you are _so_ wet, Bells... I did this? _I_ made you like this?"

 

"Uh-huh." Eloquent responses were a little beyond me right now. It felt like I was catching on fire, like Jacob was branding me with his touch. I heard faint wet noises as his fingertips dipped into me.

 

"Then say it." Jake leaned in closer, his lips skimming along my ear. This was the arrogant wolf _and_ the uncertain boy talking. "Just... say it, honey. I want to hear you say it. Please."

 

"I love you," I answered without hesitation.

 

Jacob stopped moving.

 

( _No! Wait!_ my body wailed. _More!_ )

 

"I... Bells..." I heard him swallow thickly. "You didn't have to-- I wasn't hoping for _that_ much..."

 

"It's not new." This muscles of his back felt smooth and hard under my hands. "I've told you that before."

 

"Yeah, but the situations were a little different..."

 

I couldn't explain why _love_ was so easy to say but _girlfriend_ sent me into spasms of terror. Maybe because I associated the latter with frightening change, whereas the former was so self-evident I was surprised I had to say it out loud. Or maybe it was just because I was neurotic, like Jake said. Whatever. The wording was much less important to me than the fact that Jacob's hand was between my thighs and it needed to be moving again.

 

So I changed the subject. "Do you have a condom?" Jacob's eyes widened, and I explained, "I'm not on anything."

 

"Yeah, I've got one," he said. "It's in my wallet."

 

Huh. "Do you have it all the time, or just today?"

 

"All the time. I'm an optimist. You really want to do this, Bella? Because if you freak out on me afterward I'm gonna need therapy or something--"

 

"I'm not going to freak out on you." I was at least ninety percent sure of that. "Not unless you stop." I was _one hundred_ percent sure of _that_. "Please, Jake, come on--"

 

My words were cut off as Jacob's mouth covered mine, his teeth nipping at my lower lip. At the same time he sank two fingers deep into me, past the knuckle, further than I'd ever been able to reach. I stiffened, but not from fear -- it was just... a _lot_.

 

Felt good.

 

Blazing fingers dragging in and out, palm rocking with each movement.

 

Felt _really_ good.

 

There were pathetic, plaintive whimpering sounds in the room -- sounds that apparently _I_ was making. And even though this part was about me, Jacob seemed to be enjoying it too, if the way he was pressing against my hip was any indication... that and the long, shuddering breaths he took. I couldn't reach low enough to stroke him the way I wanted, so I settled for pulling lightly at his hair and digging my nails into his back and my _God_ this felt _really_ good--

 

Then Jake twisted his hand, spreading his fingers -- stretching?

 

Oh, crap. I forgot. It was going to hurt.

 

Jacob obviously felt my body tense, because he slowed his stroking a little and his kisses turned gentler. "Sorry, honey," he murmured against my mouth. "Better to loosen you up first, though, or it'll _really_ be bad, believe me."

 

Wait a minute. "How do you know?" I demanded. I went cold when Jake grimaced and didn't answer. " _How_ , Jake, how do you know that?" What was with all the _No, I haven't_ stuff from before?

 

He did something very clever with his fingers at that moment, touching a place deep inside me that sent lightning strikes of pleasure up my spine. _Wow_. "Do that again," I gasped. He did, and I almost died right there.

 

"Learned some stuff from the Pack mind, Bells," he said quickly, continuing to press his fingertips in the _best_ way and--

 

Oh. My. God.

_  
The Pack mind!_

 

They could hear each others' thoughts, see each others' _memories_ \-- oh shit, Quil and Embry were going to _see_ this--

 

"Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it," Jacob chanted, rubbing his thumb hard against the spot where every nerve ending in my body seemed to come together. "Too late now anyway, trust me, I won't stop picturing this any time soon, I promise I'll make the positives outweigh the negatives--" he twisted his fingers again and I squeaked like a mouse "--so don't think about it honey, just don't think about it..."

 

Admittedly it was pretty hard to worry when he kept touching me like that, holy...

 

Okay, not thinking about it. For now.

 

Jacob's unexpectedly skillful hand felt amazing, but I was still aching and needy and I was pretty sure that what I wanted more than _anything_ in the world right now was to see the look on Jacob's face when it was about _both_ of us, not just me. He deserved some attention too, after all. (Also my body kept sending little hopeful _More? More?_ signals in my direction.)

 

"So, Jake, where's your wallet?" I asked, hoping I sounded at least a little bit casual. (I didn't.)

 

"Oh. Here." He pulled away ( _Cold!_ ) and reached over the bed, fumbling with his clothes. A moment later I heard a tearing sound, and then Jacob was back on top of me, guiding me further onto the mattress so that his feet weren't hanging as far off the bed, spreading my thighs with his palms. A moment later I felt him right at my entrance, hot and hard and... um... large.

 

Oh, this really _was_ going to hurt, wasn't it?

 

"Last chance, Bella," Jacob whispered. He had one hand around himself; the other was tangled in my hair. "You're sure?"

 

I looked up into his face -- dark, nervous, sort of beautiful. I wasn't nervous anymore. "Jacob Black," I said softly, stroking his shoulders, "you are my best friend in the entire world... but if you don't do this I'm going to murder you."

 

He laughed. "Well, when you put it like that." Then he kissed me, long and deep and searching, and...

 

...yep. It hurt.

 

I hissed through the burning, stretching sensation, trying to focus instead on lovely gutteral groan Jacob made as he filled me. He didn't pause and he wasn't particularly slow, either; I felt him push through the barrier with a sharp spike of pain. At least it was all over with at once, kind of like ripping off a bandaid.

 

Ow.

 

Jake trembled above me, obviously trying to stay still. His now-free hand stroked my thigh and lifted it gently over his hip. That was an improvement; being spread wider made a difference. "Just... tell me when," he said, his voice strange and choked.

 

A few deep inhales and exhales helped a little. Tilting my hips helped a little more. But what worked the best was watching Jacob -- how he squeezed his eyes shut, how he panted for breath. The look on his face aroused me even through the pain.

_  
That_ was what I had wanted to see.

 

"I'm okay," I said after a moment. It hadn't stopped hurting, but I was also pretty sure it wasn't going to get much better any time soon, so we might as well get started.

 

"Okay." Jacob leaned down to kiss me. It was an awkward angle, given his height, but he did it anyway. Then he started to move.

 

Interestingly, the thrusting helped more than anything else; as he pulled out and pushed back my body was forced to adjust, and before long the burning had faded into an unpleasant ache that was nearly indistinguishable from the pleasant ache. It didn't feel _good_ , exactly, but it did feel... satisfying. Satisfying in a way that nothing else had. Like my body was doing what it was built for. Which it was, after all.

 

Even if it didn't feel particularly good to me, though, it obviously felt good to Jacob. He'd buried his face in my hair to muffle his moans. _That_ part was great and made the rest of it worth it.

 

" _So_ fucking glad I jerked off," he managed to gasp. His side was covered in sweat and slid against my thigh. "Shit, Bells, you're so fucking tight, you're so fucking warm..."

 

I glowed with happiness.

 

A moment later he glanced down at me; his pistoning slowed as he caught my expression. "Not too good for you?" he asked uncertainly.

 

"Virgin," I reminded him quickly. I didn't want him to feel bad; it wasn't his fault, after all. And it _did_ feel _kind_ of good. Next time would be better (and there was _so_ going to be a next time).

 

"Hmm." He looked thoughtful for a moment, then released my hair and pulled away. "Okay. Like this." He settled back onto his knees, bringing me with him, keeping himself snug inside.

 

I whimpered -- this hurt _more_!

 

"Shh, honey, it's fine, put your legs like this--" he adjusted me so that my knees were bent and my heels dug into the mattress "--and then just... yeah." Jacob straightened up a little, put his large hands around my hips, and lifted my ass off the bed. Then he started to thrust again.

 

Oh.

_  
Oh._

 

It still a little painful, but now he was hitting that place deep inside, and... _oh_...

 

"Better?" Jacob asked, his eyes on my chest.

 

I nodded. And moaned. Incoherently.

 

"Remind me to thank Jared," he grunted. "Or Kim. Whichever of them came up with this. I don't care. _Fuck_ , Bella, you're just..."

_  
Oh. Oh. Oh._ My hips tried to buck into each thrust, but Jacob was holding them steady; I desperately wanted to touch him but he was out of my reach, so I touched myself instead, pinching my nipples, arching my back--

 

"Oh, Jesus, Bella, that's so hot, keep doing that--" he sped up and got rougher, it hurt but he was hitting that one place _hard_ it felt like molten lava was filling my body and now I  _liked_ that he was looking at me "--so goddamn beautiful, honey, so fucking beautiful--"

 

So close. I moved one hand down to rub desperately at the bundle of nerves that still begged for attention, the only spot that still needed to be--

_  
Holy fuck._

 

I cried out as I shook and clenched around Jacob, every pounding stroke stoking the fire until I couldn't feel anything except heat--

 

Jacob's fingers dug into my waist as he slammed into me harder than was probably a good idea but who cared-- "Oh my God, Bells, yes, like that, oh--" Then _his_ sounds turned wordless as he drove in a few more times, panting and shivering and still watching me...

 

...as my shaking slowed down. Finally he lowered my hips to the bed and stretched over me like a warm blanket.

 

I was going to melt into the mattress.

 

I felt that good.

_  
And_ I felt that bad.

_  
Owwww..._

 

I grimaced when Jake pulled out a few minutes later, and he kissed my cheek with a concerned look. "Are you okay? I shouldn't've done it like that--"

 

"No, trust me, it felt really good at the time." Really, _really_ good. "I'm just not sure I'm ever going to be able to walk again."

 

"I'll carry you wherever you want to go," he promised, sitting up. He pulled off the condom, wrapped it in about six pieces of tissue paper, and buried it at the bottom of my wastebasket. Then he handed a few tissues to me. "Here, Bells, you're, um... bleeding a little."

 

"Oh, damn." I cleaned myself off -- it wasn't too bad, but my stomach gave a little lurch anyway. Blood. Ick.

 

"Yeah. I'm sorry. I should have been more careful."

 

"I'm not complaining." I pulled a blanket over myself. The naked thing was still kind of disconcerting, even if it didn't seem to bother Jacob at all. I wasn't entirely sure what I was supposed to say now, so... "Thanks?"

 

Jake grinned. "I love you and you're cute." He leaned in, and I expected a kiss -- but got a warm hand ruffling my hair instead.

 

Somehow that was right.

 

"Still best friends?"

 

I nodded, feeling more relaxed than I'd felt... um... ever. "Oh, yeah, definitely." Stupid of me, to ever be afraid of this. Nothing had changed. Jacob was still Jacob, I was still Bella. "Plus some."

 

I might even get around to the _dating_ word one day.

 

 

***

 

 

Later that night, when Jacob called, I answered. "Hey."

_  
"Hey, Bella. Got a question for you."_

 

I rolled over in bed and checked the clock. "A question you needed answered at eleven-thirty?"

_  
"Uh-huh. I just opened your present. A Barbie? Seriously?"_

 

I smirked. "You said you wanted a leggy blonde. This was what I could afford."

_  
"Thoughtful of you."_

 

"Well, I try."

_  
"You know I don't actually want a leggy blonde, right?"_

 

"Apparently not. Do you like the present anyway?"

_  
"Love it. Merry Christmas, Bells."_

 

"Merry Christmas, Jake."

**_the end._ **


End file.
